


I Wish I Could Promise That

by Defira



Series: Throw Your Arms Around Me (Or At Least Throw A Punch) [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Gen, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-12
Updated: 2013-05-12
Packaged: 2017-12-11 14:48:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/799922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Defira/pseuds/Defira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elise Shepard has her share of demons kicking around in her head, and normally she's got a fairly good lid on them. But on an asteroid in the skies above Terra Nova, they get the better of her, and the first human Spectre has to wonder if she's up for the job at all.</p><p>Luckily, she has friends to pick up the slack for her, and sometimes support comes from the strangest of places.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The beginnings of Shepard/Hackett if you squint and look closely. With thanks to asariboyfriend for letting Danny play in Elise's universe.

“Picking up a distress call, Commander.”

Elise didn’t even look up from where she was discussing the calculations on a star chart with Pressly; Joker’s message was hardly out of the ordinary. “Bring it up,” she replied, pressing the corresponding tabs on her omni-tool to save her navigational notes.. 

There was a hiss of static as the recording began to play; a woman’s voice whispered through the speakers, her terror a tangible thing that made Elise snap to attention. “... taken over... facility.” The voice was almost too quiet to make out over the crackle of the audio. “... killed most of... don’t know... please...”

There was a high pitched squeal, the feedback grating enough to have Elise wincing and rubbing at her ear. 

“I think... terrorists? They...” 

Her voice vanished, swallowed up by the interference on the recording.

Elise frowned. “Can you clean it up any more than that?”

“Too much interference, Commander. That’s the best we could pull from the static.”

“Can you trace it, Joker?”

“Give me a second; just getting a lock.” There was tension throughout the bridge as everyone waited, poised for the answer. “We’re not that far out- Exodus Cluster, Asgard system.”

“Terra Nova,” Elise finished grimly. It had to be, although why the local authorities hadn’t responded to the distress call was a worrisome question. She glanced apologetically at Pressly; he nodded and began to clear away their work. “Get us there as fast as you can, Joker.”

“Already prepping for jump to Utopia, Commander. In three, two, one...”

___________________________

“Now, I never did well in astrophysics when I was at the Academy,” Elise said dubiously, “but I’d be pretty comfortable guessing that that asteroid really shouldn’t be that close to Terra Nova.”

“You’d be right there, Commander,” Pressly said. “Current scans show the asteroid on direct collision course with the colony, impact estimated at four hours eight minutes.”

The ominous red glow tinging the planet-side of the asteroid seemed to suggest it’d be a lot sooner than that. Even from this distance, Elise could see the occasional flare as pieces of rock broke away and plummeted towards Terra Nova, a brilliant white blaze against the cooler greens and blues of the planet’s surface. 

Elise grimaced as she stared out the window at the huge torches on the asteroid, only just visible from this distance. “Is there a reason nobody has raised the alarm until now?” She tightened the straps on her armour as the Normandy raced closer. 

“Yes ma’am- according to our reports, X57 was purchased by a mining corporation based out of Tyr and was due to be piloted to Terra Nova for mineral extraction. I’d say the local authorities didn’t realise anything was wrong until the asteroid didn’t begin to slow on approach.”

“Let them know we’re inbound to deal with it.”

“Already done, Commander. They’re trying to evacuate Scott now.”

“They don’t have enough time for that,” she said grimly. She pulled on her helmet, locking the seals in place. “Have Tali and Ash meet me in storage.”   
___________________________

She could feel the heat even through the suit; it wasn’t bad yet, just enough to leave a trickle of sweat running down her spine when they stepped out of the Mako to investigate the first body. Terra Nova loomed wide behind them, and she tried not to look. 

She wasn’t afraid of heights, but something about the way the planet inched ever closer, taking up more and more of the horizon every minute, made her head spin from vertigo.

She told herself it was vertigo, not fear. At least, that’s what she tried to tell herself.

The sense of unease didn’t leave, and her skin crawled as if unfriendly eyes were watching her; she couldn’t put her finger on the source of the dread trickling through her veins as they approached the first of the torches. The outbuilding was guarded by turrets that turned unfailingly towards them whenever she nudged the Mako closer. 

There was no response to her attempts to hail the building- the mysterious woman who had sent out the original distress call was either dead or not feeling charitable enough to shut down the turrets. 

The heat seeped up through her feet, and yet the sweat on her brow had more to do with her shortness of breath than the warmth in her armour. 

She had her gun out and ready as the external door slid open, and she could hear her blood pounding in her head. Something was wrong, something about the attack that had her all askew, but she couldn’t put a name to her anxiety. 

The realisation, when it hit her, left her strangely light headed. 

There was a group of figures at the far end of the building, gathered about what looked suspiciously like a body on the floor. They had their backs to the door, and didn’t notice immediately when Shepard entered, gun at the ready. Even from a distance, there was no mistaking their build, no way she could ever forget the silhouette of the monsters who still lurked in the back of her thoughts.

_Batarians._

They laughed as the varren pack with them tore into the body on the ground, and Elise’s world shifted sideways. Her feet were firmly planted in the mining outpost, miles above the surface of Terra Nova, but her head was back on Mindoir, the smoke choking her as she hid behind a half collapsed wall, her teeth chattering from the shock of the pain. She’d run barefoot through the burning settlement, and the soles of her feet were burned raw; it was only a matter of time until someone thought to follow her bloodied footprints to her hiding place.

There was blood on her face, in her hair; her hair had caught fire at some point in the last half hour, and the smell was still making her retch. She tried to keep quiet, trembling as she sobbed and tried to press herself into the wall; she tried to shut out the sounds of the agonised screams, the cruel laughter. The guttural shouts and snarls of a language that made no sense to her, except that it signified death and violence. 

Her fingers tightened on the trigger of the gun she’d taken from the body of the colony’s security chief. She’d never held a gun before. 

Now, miles above Terra Nova, thirteen years later, her fingers tightened around the gun in her hand as she brought it up to aim, sights locked on the closest batarian.

The shot echoed loudly in the empty facility, and the splatter of blood and bone as the thug lurched forward was immensely satisfying. 

There were shouts, the batarians snarling as they ducked for cover and the varren howling eagerly with the promise of new prey to play with. She fired again, the shot clipping one of the batarians in the leg; he hit the ground, swearing, and the second shot went through his neck.

“Commander, get to cover!”

Ashley’s voice registered vaguely, but Elise dismissed it quickly. The first spray of bullets bounced off her shields, and she staggered but kept walking forward. 

The first of the varren reached her, tongue lolling in excitement as it lunged for her. She slammed the butt of her assault rifle into its disgusting face, and when it reeled back, howling in pain, she loosed a round of bullets into its skull. 

She felt the breath hiss out of her when another scatter of bullets smashed through her shields and slammed against her armour. The second varren slumped dead to the ground before it could reach her, presumably Ash or Tali’s doing. 

The pistol was just an extension of her hand, her anger and her fury given a conveniently violent form of expression. She kept walking forward, bullets cracking sharply against her armour as she matched them shot for shot. The one on her left who stuck his head up from cover to attempt to land a hit on her- her bullet went through his skull, not quite between the eyes but close enough that it did the job. 

It was hot, too hot- they were too close to Terra Nova, they were all going to burn. Smoke and ash and embers that seared her feet to raw and ruined meat; she couldn’t breathe, she could taste the smoke in her mouth. Gasping, trying not to retch, she reached up and loosened the seals on her helmet, sucking in a lungful of air as she pulled it off and tossed it aside.

“Commander! What are you _doing?_ ”

Killing batarians- if she didn’t do it, who would? She felt the recoil in her arm, each bullet jolting her flesh, an action she’d done ten thousand times over and was as familiar to her as breathing. Another one fell, swearing, and another few bullets finished the job. There was a flash of pain in her side, just over her hip, hot and sharp and the taste of salt and copper in her mouth.

She roared, wild and uncontrollably angry- they were still alive, she shot them and they just kept coming. Another stepped out from behind cover and she shot him in the knee, stalking forward as he collapsed. He was sagging against the shipping containers, and he lifted his gun weakly to fend her off.

She slapped the gun out of his hand and followed it up with a punch to his face. With a crunch of bone, she felt the jolt of pain all the way up to her shoulder; the batarian roared in agony, staggering backwards, hands clawing at his face. 

There was blood on her hand, thin and red- close enough to human blood that she had to wonder for a brief flicker of time whether she’d hurt herself as well. It wasn’t enough though; it was never enough. She punched him again, satisfied with the bellow that came from the alien, but not satisfied enough. 

When he yelled, she yelled straight back at him. She threw her gun aside and began to lay into him with both fists; she felt the hot splatter of blood on her face. 

She could feel pain, and she could smell smoke, and if she wasn’t careful they’d find her, _but they all deserved to die-_

“ _Commander!_ ” She heard Ashley’s snarled shout, but only vaguely, as if it was muted by fog. But she didn’t miss the strong hands that wrapped around her arms and hauled her upwards, the swearing that came when she fought at their hold. “Hell, Tali, get back; if she rips your suit-” 

“Oh, so you think you can hold her like this by yourself? She might rip my suit but she’s gonna take your arm off.”

Why were they being so loud? Didn’t they know that the slavers were still looking for survivors to round up? Didn’t they care at all about self preservation, or-

Her head jerked to the side, a sharp little buzz of pain zinging through her as the sound of a slap rang through the now quiet facility. Panting for breath, Elise was suddenly very much aware of how quiet it was- there was no gunfire, no lewd threats and untranslatable curses being thrown her way. Just her desperate attempts to breathe, high pitched and hysterical, echoing through the hollow building. 

Ashley stood over her, rubbing at the hand that had slapped her. “What the _hell_ was that about?” Ashley snarled, practically vibrating with fury. “Were you trying to get all of us killed, or just yourself?”

There was no smell of smoke, no charred hint of meat on the night time breeze to leave her retching. Mindoir was thirteen years behind her.

“And how exactly are we suppose to explain that sort of brutality to the brass? If word gets out about... whatever the hell this is.” Ashley ran a shaking hand over her face. “God, Elise, you scared the crap out of me.”

Elise felt her lip trembling; the adrenalin was leeching out of her fast. She swallowed once, tried to speak; she winced at the blood in her mouth and leaned to the side to spit it out.

She saw what she’d done to the batarian, the reason Ashley had freaked out so badly on her, and closed her eyes. But the image was burned onto her retinas, shining back at her even in the darkness. The body on the floor was unrecognisable; the face had collapsed inwards from the savagery of her attack, blood and bone and tissue splattered outwards, all over his armour and all over hers. 

There was blood in her hair, on her face. 

“Joker?” Tali was standing off to the side, speaking into her omnitool. “Have Chakwas on standby. No, no, I’m fine- it’s for Shepard. She might have a dislocated shoulder. Oh, and she was shot.” 

Ashley crouched down beside her. “Elise,” she began softly, then corrected herself. “Commander. If you aren’t fit to run this mission, you should have said something. We can have Wrex meet us down at the next torch-”

“I’m fine,” Elise rasped, ignoring the way her voice shook. She climbed to her feet, brushing off Ashley’s offer of assistance. She limped over to fetch her pistol, too ashamed to look either of them in the eye. Hesitating for a moment, she considered slamming her shoulder against one of the shipping containers in the hope it’d push it back into the joint, but ruled it out just as quickly. Knowing her luck it’d go badly and she’d just end up unconscious on the floor, a bullet in her hip and her arm at an unnatural angle. 

She gritted her teeth and kept her arm tucked to her side. “Let’s get this torch deactivated before it’s too late.”  
___________________________

She blamed the blood pounding in her ears for the fact that she didn’t hear the group of batarians waiting for them at the foot of the ramp, and she kicked herself for the fumbling attempt to draw her pistol on them.

Thank gods for Ash and Tali, who both had their weapons trained on the aliens immediately. 

The batarians reeled backwards in alarm, reaching for their own guns, and she realised too late that she was still covered in the gore of one of their former colleagues. 

“Don’t shoot,” one of them said quickly, his hand moving reluctantly away from his weapon belt. “Look, we just want to talk.”

Ashley quite deliberately stepped in front of her; Elise didn’t know whether to be grateful to her for taking the lead or not. “Seems a bit late for talking, now, doesn’t it?” Ashley asked coldly.

The batarian had the grace to look pained. “We didn’t want it to be like this.”

Elise wanted to shoot him in his smug, apologetic face. She didn’t want to hear his excuses, and his lies. His voice was like sandpaper in her ears, the gruff and guttural tones sending a surge of panic through her, sweat on her back and her heart in her throat. 

“How convenient,” Tali said sarcastically, “a conscience that miraculously emerges upon imminent defeat.” 

“We just... look, we can get you access to the main facility. This was all Balak’s doing anyway, we were just expecting a slave run-”

Her finger tightened on the trigger of the gun; Tali quite firmly put her hand on the barrel and pushed, until Elise had the pistol pointed at the ground, rather than at the batarians. 

“Slave run is still a good enough reason for us to kill you,” Ashley said pointedly, glancing warningly at Elise.

“We’re not monsters,” he snarled, spitting on the ground near their feet. “We do what we need to survive, just like anyone else. But we’re not terrorists, and blowing up a human colony wasn’t a part of the deal.”

“But burning it to the ground during a slave raid is,” Elise hissed back, her voice raw and shaking. “Leaving as many dead as you take alive is fine to you. Laughing as they beg you for mercy, that’s par the course, isn’t it?”

The batarian grimaced, gesturing in her direction with his gun; Ashley and Tali immediately made warning noises. “Is she entirely necessary?” he asked, the disgust plain on his face. “What’d she do, bite a varren-” 

Elise snarled and tried to step forward. “Maybe I’ll bite _your_ face, kukur chikuwa-”

There was a searing flash of pain through her arm, enough that she went down to one knee on a sob. She wavered for a moment, her head spinning in a way that made her grit her teeth to fight off unconsciousness. There was a gentle hand on her back, three fingered, and soft, accented murmurs spoken in a tongue she didn’t understand; the intent was fairly obvious though, an attempt to soothe and console her beyond the hearing of the batarians.

She heard a scornful noise coming from the group leader and managed to lift her head again, staring hatefully at him through the tears burning at her eyes. “It’d be a shame if the Alliance knew about the brutalities employed by their soldiers,” the batarian said slowly. “Or perhaps if the Council knew about what it was exactly that their Spectres were up to...”

“You can’t blackmail me,” she rasped, her lip curled into a sneer. “You don’t even know who I am.”

The look he gave her was pitying. “Yeah, because there’s so many humans running around out there with S1 stamped on their armour,” he said derisively. “Look, you let us go and we’ll get you access to the main facility- and we won’t mention to anyone that a Council Spectre has a habit of threatening to bite people.”

“You got yourself a deal,” Ashley said instantly, before Elise could even open her mouth to reply. 

The arrangements were made, an access card handed over in terse silence, and the batarians filed past them; Elise stayed crouched on the floor, staring angrily at the tiles as hot tears slid silently down her face.   
___________________________

The rush of endorphins that accompanied the dislocated shoulder had worn off by the time they reached the main facility forty five minutes later. Now, the pain radiated outwards, dark little tendrils that snaked through her body, and she was drenched in cold sweat. She loped along beside Ash and Tali, gritting her teeth as she tried to keep her arm tucked close to her body; impossible to hold it steady, because that required the use of the muscles, and the muscles were locked up in agony even from the gentle motion of her walk. 

She barely heard a word when the batarians stepped out of cover and began to soliloquize; it was so hard to stay upright, so hard to concentrate. But she made out the words Elysium, and Blitz, and she knew that she hated him. 

And from the look on his face, he hated her right back. 

But there were people to think of, hostages to save, and bombs as well. If the main facility went up in flames, it wouldn’t be impossible to reverse the path of the asteroid, but it would be a hell of a lot more difficult. In the end, there was really only one choice to make, and she cried silently, angry tears sliding down her cheeks as she stared at the batarians sneering and gesturing lewdly as they exited the building.

She didn’t question Ashley’s decision- if she’d been in a better frame of mind, she would probably have made the same call. But she felt so desperately broken, and futilely angry, and she had nowhere to put such violent emotions. 

The batarians had done the smart thing, not trusting them not to follow even with the bombs to disarm, and the moment the door thudded closed behind them, the defense drones in the facility went haywire. Diving for cover as the bullets sprayed over the place she’d been standing in seconds before had been a rather stupid decision- the wave of pain that came from her shoulder at the impact was enough to leave her dazed and helpless on the floor, fighting to get her breath back.

But there were bombs to deal with, and they weren’t in the clear yet, and she hadn’t survived two batarian attacks to just lie down and die now. 

“We can do this,” she rasped, closing her eyes against the wave of nausea that accompanied the spike of pain in her shoulder. She fumbled with her pistol, trying to replace the clip one handed- she slammed it against her thigh to lock it into place. Taking a deep breath, she lurched up from her crouch and let off a few rounds at the closest of the defense drones; she let out a shuddering sigh of relief when it exploded, the ruined machinery crashing to the floor. 

“Tali, how are we doing for time?”

A quarian curse word echoed back towards her. “Nearly done, Shepard,” she called. “This should be the last bomb- I’m not picking up any more on the scans that I’ve run.”

“Thank gods for that,” Elise gasped, firing rapidly at the shadow of a batarian on the far side of the arena. There were hostages to think of, and the asteroid was still in the grip of Terra Nova’s gravity- they weren’t in the clear yet. 

There was still the chance that this might all be for naught, that Tali might not disarm the last bomb, that the path of the asteroid might be irreversible, that death and pain and flame and smoke might-

_Enough_ , she told herself desperately. _Enough._


	2. Chapter 2

The boom of the cargo bay doors as they closed behind the Mako were like a fucking death knell, ringing in the end of her career and the end of her peace of mind. Ash had hardly even set the rover into lock before Elise was out of her seat and staggering towards the exit. 

“Shepard,” Tali said dubiously, reaching for her as she passed. 

“You can submit your reports to Pressly,” she said hoarsely, not looking back. “He’s XO for the time being.”

“Commander,” Ashley called wearily from the driver’s seat. 

“Dismissed, chief- mission’s over. You’re off duty.”

There were tears burning at her eyes- pain, shame, she didn’t know and she didn’t care. She barrelled across the cargo bay and towards the elevator, ignoring the alarmed calls from Garrus and the laughter from Wrex. 

All she had to do was make it to her quarters and then she could have a breakdown in peace. All she had to do was avoid Chakwas, and get away from Ashley and Tali and their well meaning concern, and hope that-

“You look good in red.”

She let out a laugh that was basically a sob, and glanced to the side. Danny was hanging around the side of the lift, eyebrows disappearing into his shaggy fringe as he took in her wild appearance. 

“Sod off, Danny,” she said, quickly dashing away the tears that had started to fall. “I don’t have- just don’t.”

Thankfully the lift came and she lurched inside, and if he said anything else funny she missed it. The doors hissed shut, the hydraulics whisper quiet, and she started crying then and couldn’t stop. She told herself it was from the exhaustion and the pain, but it was more than that- there was blood on her face and blood in her hair, and the hostages had recoiled from her as if she were a greater monster than the ones holding them captive. 

She had taken a life with her bare hands, and gods only knew what she would have done if Ashley hadn’t pulled her away from the body. The batarians had mocked her, had named her for the killer she was.

She’d taken dozens of lives over the years, if not hundreds. This one clung to her in a way none of those faceless deaths ever had. 

There were calls of concern as she made the hurried dash of shame from the elevator to her quarters. A dozen steps, but it might as well have been a dozen miles for how far it felt. She heard Kaidan call out to her, his voice quickly followed by Chakwas’. 

There was black creeping at the edge of her vision as she stumbled into her room, her breathing shallow as the pain buried itself further into her flesh, the sharp ache radiating out, hot and tight and almost unbearable. 

She slammed her good hand against the door pad, engaging the lock to her room, the override code sealing her inside. None of the crew had the authority to break through that code. She was, at least for the time being, alone with her pain and her shame and her memories. 

She reached up and tried to pop the seals on her armour as she staggered through to her bedroom, but her good arm didn’t seem to have the reach it normally did, and it brought a fresh round of tears to her eyes to even try. She didn’t even make it as far as the bed before she slumped against the wall, the strength going out of her as she slid down to the floor, the tears spilling over. 

Mindoir was in her head, and she couldn’t get it out.  
___________________________

It was only a short while later when she heard the telltale buzz and click of someone attempting to bypass the security override on her door, and thankfully failing. 

She lifted her head blearily and glared over at the door; she considered shouting a warning at them to piss off, and thought against it. She didn’t want anything to do with them, couldn’t deal with them seeing her like this and knowing she wasn’t the indomitable space marine she’d led them all to believe. 

The error tone sounded once or twice more, and then silence; she breathed a sigh of relief. And then her eyes snapped open at the sound of the approval chime, closely followed by the hiss of the door sliding to admit a single set of footsteps. 

She glanced over her shoulder in time to see the door slide shut behind Danny, tossing a package onto her desk as he held his omni-tool up to the lock, code flying over the mini screen before the door let out an alarming beep, the lock re-engaging. The little shit looked up at her with a merry smile on his face, as if it was a perfectly normal evening and she wasn’t crumbling away piece by piece.

“That was a weak bit of code, dollface,” he said, coming over to crouch down in front of her. “Wet tissue paper would have been better. You should’ve known it wouldn’t keep me out.”

“Go away,” she mumbled, her head slumping back against the bulkhead.

“Now, now, Elizá-”

“Fuck you, Kidan, I wish I’d never told you my name.”

He tsked at her. “Is that anyway to speak to a concerned friend?” He was silent for a moment, and she felt his hand touch at her hip gently. “You have made a mess of yourself, now, haven’t you?”

She closed her eyes tight, tears of shame burning at her eyes again.

“Come on Paprika, you can do it- up, up, up.” The nickname, more than anything else, calmed her down. He all but dragged her to her feet and across to the chair, his tone patient but teasing. “Jesus fuck, you weigh a ton.”

“It’s just the armour,” she mumbled, her eyes tight shut against the pain, her breathing shallow. The pain had sharpened again, even with the short movement from the floor to the chair, and it felt like bands of iron wrapped around her chest.

“ _Sure_ it is,” he said, his voice exaggeratedly soothing. “Has nothing to do with your _giant ass_ at all.”

“You’ve got a giant head.”

“ _Thank you_ , I was hoping someone would notice.” He brandished a cloth in front of her face. “Do you want to clean up or would you rather I do it?”

“Clean up?”

“Your pretty face. Much as red suits you, it’s probably not a good look to try and introduce. Batarian blood is _very_ two years ago.”

She took the cloth from him with her good hand, dismayed to see how much it shook. Just rubbing at her face was exhausting, but it did feel good to get the worst of the gore off her skin. While she struggled, he fiddled with the seals on her armour, cursing under his breath when they thwarted him. 

For some reason, that made her smile. “You’re doing a great job there; can hack any security system in the galaxy but you can’t comprehend how a few straps and seals work on armour.”

“Yeah, because I’m _so_ used to undressing women. Oh look at me, I’m such a stud, all those ladies I take back to my studly lair-”

“Do you come with a mute switch or something?” 

“You’re a treasure. Can you move your arm at all?”

She bit her lip. “Not really.”

“Thought as much. Okay, I apologise for how much this’ll hurt.”

“How much what’ll-” She didn’t get any further, because Danny rammed a needle into the only part of her shoulder he’d managed to expose, pressing down on the plunger just as quickly. White sparked in front of her eyes, and she felt herself swoon, teetering on the edge of unconsciousness, before the pain dragged her back, gasping for air. “Fucking _gods_ , Danny, what the _hell?_ ”

“It’s an anaesthetic. Figured you weren’t going to let Chakwas in just yet, and as much as I’d just love to knock your stupid ass out and drag you to medical, you’re too fat for me to carry. So this’ll take the edge off the pain until you’ve had time to calm down and report in.”

“Report in?” she said in confusion. 

“Message coming in, Commander.” Joker’s voice rang through the cabin, clear as day. She could have sworn that her overrides had blocked any incoming communications in her private quarters as well, but apparently Danny had seen to that as well. “Patching you through.”

Panic surged through her. “Joker, I really don’t-”

“Shepard.”

She bit her tongue and swallowed down the rest of her reprimand. “Admiral Hackett,” she said hesitantly, wiping the tears from her cheeks with the now bloodied cloth. “What can I do for you?”

“I received your report into the X57 incident over Terra Nova. Or rather, I received Chief Williams’ report- I’m led to believe there may have been some trouble for you down there.”

She glared at Danny, who was instead listening raptly; he noticed her looking and silently mouthed the word ‘ _dibs_ ’. 

She scowled at him. “It was an unpleasant assignment, sir,” she said reluctantly, guilt and shame twisting in her gut. It was possible the anaesthetic was beginning to work, but not as fast as she would have liked. It all seemed so ridiculous, and she very abruptly felt as if she were a stupid, foolish child caught out in some prank gone awry. 

“So I hear. I’d be interested to have your version of events.”

Danny made obnoxious ‘ _go on_ ’ gestures with his hands. If her arm hadn’t been at a gruesome angle, she would have smacked him in his smug face. As it was, she wanted to burst into tears. 

“Well, sir,” she began hesitantly, her face scrunching up as she fought back the urge to cry. “It was-”

“Is something amiss, Commander? You sound distressed.”

She laughed, a little hysterically. “Apart from the bullet in my hip and the dislocated shoulder? No, that’s only the tip of the iceberg, which you probably already know since Chief Williams has reported in while I haven’t.”

“You haven’t been to see the medical officer yet?” he asked, the surprise evident in his voice. 

The tears burning at her eyes began to spill onto her cheeks. “I...” Her voice didn’t seem to want to cooperate, her throat working uselessly. She swallowed, and tried again, wincing at how hoarse and pathetic she sounded. “I _couldn’t_.”

Oh, she’d never felt smaller than she did in that moment. She felt Danny slide his hand into hers and she gripped it tight, her body shaking from silent tears. 

Admiral Hackett was silent on the other end of the line, and she resigned herself to the worst- she was going to lose her Spectre status, she was going to be relieved of command, she’d be given leave without pay, grounded and shunted to the side, an embarrassment to the Alliance-

“Elise,” Hackett said finally, his tone gentle, “do you need assistance at all? We can arrange to have someone command the Normandy in your stead while you recuperate.”

And there it was; her face crumpled and she couldn’t help the soft sob that slipped past her lips.

“Elise? Commander?”

She swallowed a couple of times, trying to work past the tears; Danny rubbed soothing circles on her back, stooping to press a kiss to the top of her head. There was blood in her hair, but he didn’t complain. “I’m so sorry, sir,” she whispered, horrified beyond compare at herself. “I’ll resign my commission immediately and return to Arcturus-”

“What on earth for? Elise, we didn’t nominate you for this position for the sake of whimsy. You’re an excellent officer, and you work well under pressure. You wouldn’t be here if we didn’t have the utmost confidence in your abilities.”

“But you just said-”

“An officer, no matter how skilled, cannot operate to Alliance standards while badly injured. If you require the extra support while you recover, we will arrange for it. Otherwise, we’ll expect your team to step up in your absence.”

She hesitated, confused. “So you’re not demoting me? Despite what happened?”

He sounded a touch amused. “I’m yet to hear what happened, Commander. Your Chief was relatively brief in her report- I’m assuming in an effort to protect you from any imagined fallout.”

Danny squeezed her hand encouragingly. Elise hesitated, her eyes closed as she leaned back against Danny. “Batarian terrorists took control of a mining facility on X57, an asteroid in the Asgard system. Their intention was to direct it into Terra Nova, towards heavily populated areas.”

It didn’t sound as bad like that; clinical, almost. But her blood still seethed in her veins, and she still felt her skin crawl with fear; her mouth was sandpaper dry. 

“Given that we’ve had reports from both Scott and the remaining team on X57, I’d say your actions were a rousing success. Minimal deaths, and successfully avoiding a terrorist act that would have resulted in the deaths of millions of innocent civilians and in all likelihood would have propelled humanity on the path to war.”

Her lip trembled. “Thank you, sir,” she whispered. 

“Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but you have an unpleasant history with batarians, do you not?” 

Shame, hot and bitter, bubbled up within her. “Yes, sir. I do.”

“So I’d imagine this mission was difficult for you. Painful memories and the like.”

He said it so frankly, as if her wild reaction today was understandable; she burst into tears, Danny immediately leaning against her and whispering gentle nonsense in her ear, stupid compliments that didn’t really make a lot of sense but to distract her. He was careful to avoid her injured shoulder, bless him. 

“Commander?”

She put her hand over her mouth, trying desperately to rein in the tears. “Yes sir,” she managed, hiccuping the words. 

“I’m going to recommend you speak to the Alliance psychiatrists next time you’re back on Arcturus. As much as you’re bound to the Alliance, you also have a duty to the Council, and you may be called upon to work with batarians in the future. Is that something you’re capable of undertaking?”

She cringed. “I... I don’t know-”

“It’s your duty to know. You don’t have the luxury of uncertainty. Make time to see one of the counsellors next time you’re on the station. That’s an order.”

Elise hung her head. “Yes, sir.”

“There’s no need to feel ashamed, Commander.” He sounded genuinely concerned about her, which was interesting. She’d only met Admiral Hackett two or three times that she knew of. Granted, she was the only human Spectre and it was in the Alliance’s best interests to take care of her, but still- his concern was touching. And his voice wasn’t half bad either. “You’re a mature young woman, a seasoned veteran, and you’ve done things that no other human has done before. For every achievement, there has to be a few road bumps. For thirty years of age, that’s not bad at all.”

“I’m twenty-nine, sir,” she corrected, smiling weakly.

“Dear god, they make you kids younger every year.”

The words were out of her mouth before she could help herself. “From what I understand of the baby-making process, sir, that’s hardly unusual.” 

Oh dear gods, she’d just made a sex joke with an Admiral. She heard Danny bite back a laugh from behind her. 

She could imagine the smirk toying at the corner of his mouth. “If that’s the limit of your understanding, Commander, I’d suggest you need to be doing more research.”

Her mouth just about fell open in surprise; behind her, Danny sounded like he was wheezing from trying to hold back his laughter. “Sir, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were making a rather forward suggestion.”

“Nonsense, Commander, just trying to make you smile. If I was being forward, I’d be suggesting dinner at my place.”

“Oh well great,” she said, laughing shakily, “I’ll be there at eight.” 

His quiet laugh matched hers. “There’s no shame in asking for help, Commander,” he said, his gruff voice surprisingly gentle as he carefully changed the subject. “It’s a big universe, and you’d have to be made of stone not to find something out there between the stars that unsettles you from time to time. But you’ve proven yourself to be a remarkably resilient young woman, and I’m certain this particular difficulty is one you’ll put behind yourself quickly.”

It was an encouragement, but it was also a warning. She could recognise it for what it was. She bit her lip and nodded to herself. 

“Sir?” 

“Yes?”

She hesitated, taking a few deep breaths; Danny’s fingers were a silent comfort on the back of her neck. “Thank you,” she said, “I appreciate your concern. And... I appreciate your faith in me.”

“You’re a remarkable woman, Elise,” he said, his tone warm enough to send a little kernel of heat into her belly. Now that was surprising. “It’s my pleasure to help you succeed in anyway I can.”

“The pleasure is all mine,” she said, the response coming naturally. She cringed a half second later. “Wait, I mean... shit that wasn’t what I meant at all.”

He laughed; genuinely laughed, and the sound surprised and delighted her. “Make sure you have the medical officer attend you immediately, Commander,” he said.

“Will do, sir,” she said, her cheeks hot. “Thank you, sir.”

“Hackett out.”

The line went dead, and Elise shuddered and drooped back in the chair, exhausted. The anaesthetic was finally working and her arm was pleasantly numb, but it was at a remarkably uncomfortable angle. It didn’t hurt, but it wasn’t exactly restful either.

“I call dibs,” Danny said brightly from behind her.

She stirred slightly. “What?”

“I call dibs. On the Admiral. Were you even paying attention- that _voice?_ ”

Elise smiled weakly and closed her eyes. “You can’t call dibs on an Admiral, dickhead. Even an Admiral with _that_ voice”

“Uh, I’m pretty sure I just did,” he said pointedly. He ran his hand over the back of her neck and she relaxed into the touch. “How are you feeling now- can I go get Chakwas? Do you want to take a shower or something?”

She rested her head against his hip. “I’m so tired,” she mumbled.

“Yeah, but you can’t sleep on that shoulder. Sorry, Paprika, but if you aren’t gonna make a decision, I’m going to for you, and I’m getting Chakwas.”

The doctor was apparently waiting outside the door, and although her displeasure was evident on her face, she didn’t offer any sort of scolding to Elise. Danny held her hand and kissed her cheek while Chakwas put the shoulder back in, teasing her gently when she cried and trembled. 

He wedged the chair in the shower cubicle for her, and helped her strip down and left her to unwind under the hot water. He came back to fetch her, and there was a steaming mug of something on her bedside when he helped her hobble out to the bedroom. He kept up a continual chatter as he helped her dry off and crawl into bed, and then she didn’t object when he crawled in beside her and tugged her up tight against him.

She cried as she fell asleep, and he murmured into her hair and kissed her on the head. 

And she didn’t feel whole, not yet. But at least she felt safe.


End file.
